I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
