Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
