I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
