i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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