So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
