i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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