you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
