I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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