So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all