I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
