Dignity is for republicans.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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