Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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