I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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