Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
