Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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