i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
