his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
