I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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