sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
