I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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