When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
try to milk me bitch
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
