even my farts smell like vagina
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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