i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
