dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My vagina is officially offended.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
