I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
