I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
