I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
