Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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