I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
