if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
