The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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