When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
