he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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