so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
