I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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