I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
