I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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