I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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