oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
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He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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