Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
