Swine flu. Run for my life!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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