well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
