So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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