I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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