I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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