My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
