last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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