She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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