I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
