Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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