there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
