The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
