Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
These tits shall not be calmed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
