Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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