My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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