It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
