Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
