Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
